" I can't this weekend I have to go to my dad's" this is a sentence I have said many times over the course of my life. My parents are divorced. this isn't a sob story about watching my family fall apart , this the story of how it changed me. I was only two years old when my parents split up so basically my entire life has been two separate houses and two separate families. If I didn't have two sets of parents I wouldn't be the person I am to day. Growing up with two sets of parents seems awesome because you know two birthdays ,two Christmases, etc. But it's actually hard having for four people to obey and listen to for advice.
I live with my mom and I visit my dad's house. It's weird to talk to my dad because he might be my dad but I don't know him. I lived with my mother for my entire life and grew in a house with my mom and sister only. My sister and I grew up being told to be independent and be ourselves and doing that around my father, stepmom and stepdad is extremely difficult because the person I am was created by only my mom and sister no one else.
My entire being has been shaped and molded by my parents divorce.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
high notes for change
Failure. It's a scary thing. no one wants to fail but its part of life. Sometimes its things that can be fixed and other times its things that change your life forever. this is a stupid cliché petty failure but it stuck with me because it changed me.
Freshman year I was in voice and for our final we had to sing a solo in front of the class now this seems like no big deal because we had been doing this all semester but I was super nervous. So I'm one of the last ones to go after the "crazy good people" have rocked their solos. I get through my song up until the highest note of the piece (I had only hit this note one time before so I was really nervous) and I completely botch the note, it was a mess. I failed at hitting the note but what I really failed at was being true to myself. I finally realized while hitting the very wrong note that for the entire class I had been trying to please and impress the "amazing" singers that sat in the front row and goofed off and could give a crap about this little freshman.
I was letting myself get lost in the fact that I was not as good as these other people and it mad me feel awful about myself and I took me until the final for the class for me to realize that that was not who I wanted to be.
My failure to hit one high note resulted in me finding out that I don't want to care what others thought of me especially if they make me feel bad because I'm not good enough for them.
Freshman year I was in voice and for our final we had to sing a solo in front of the class now this seems like no big deal because we had been doing this all semester but I was super nervous. So I'm one of the last ones to go after the "crazy good people" have rocked their solos. I get through my song up until the highest note of the piece (I had only hit this note one time before so I was really nervous) and I completely botch the note, it was a mess. I failed at hitting the note but what I really failed at was being true to myself. I finally realized while hitting the very wrong note that for the entire class I had been trying to please and impress the "amazing" singers that sat in the front row and goofed off and could give a crap about this little freshman.
I was letting myself get lost in the fact that I was not as good as these other people and it mad me feel awful about myself and I took me until the final for the class for me to realize that that was not who I wanted to be.
My failure to hit one high note resulted in me finding out that I don't want to care what others thought of me especially if they make me feel bad because I'm not good enough for them.
Friday, May 29, 2015
My future
Mom.
She's the women who brought me into this world and raised me. She is also the reason for my future plans.
I want to go into the medical field (not exactly sure what but I'll figure it out).
My mom has a chronic diseases so she has been in and out of the hospital since I was a young kid but that's not when I decide I wanted to be a medical professional.
I realize what I wanted to do with the rest of my life the first night my mom came home with a catheter in her side. She has kidney disease and does at home dialysis. It's sounds scary and strange but in my mind it was amazing, that having a sugar water mixture can clean out toxins in your body just like her kidneys would if they worked. That's so cool! It weirds people out but it's so awesome.
So the women that raised me to be the women I am has two disease that cause her to be in the hospital multiple times is my inspiration in life.
I might fight with my mom on a regular basis but she is so strong and that inspires me in my everyday life and in my future plans.
She's the women who brought me into this world and raised me. She is also the reason for my future plans.
I want to go into the medical field (not exactly sure what but I'll figure it out).
My mom has a chronic diseases so she has been in and out of the hospital since I was a young kid but that's not when I decide I wanted to be a medical professional.
I realize what I wanted to do with the rest of my life the first night my mom came home with a catheter in her side. She has kidney disease and does at home dialysis. It's sounds scary and strange but in my mind it was amazing, that having a sugar water mixture can clean out toxins in your body just like her kidneys would if they worked. That's so cool! It weirds people out but it's so awesome.
So the women that raised me to be the women I am has two disease that cause her to be in the hospital multiple times is my inspiration in life.
I might fight with my mom on a regular basis but she is so strong and that inspires me in my everyday life and in my future plans.
Monday, May 25, 2015
My Escape
Reading is my escape. I feel the happiest when I’m reading
in a quiet place.
I love waiting for sleep to come while reading a book. My bed, pillows blankets and a good story to lull me to a peaceful sleep. It's warm, comfy and purely mine but an environment that I am truly content in is the once described to me in books.
To anyone watching me read (which by the way is creepy... don't do that!) I just look like a lonely nerdy girl engrossed in some book but in my mind I'm right in the story with all my favorite characters like Harry, Ron and Hermione to Cath and Levi. I'm living in these settings full of magic ,love and amazing battles and triumphs. And if you are that Creep staring at me while I'm reading (again ...Please Don't do that is weird) I probably will never know you're there because I get so far sucked into the book that my surroundings are replaced by the books surroundings and I feel like I am a part of the book like I belong there.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to receive a letter from Hogwarts or have a purple crayon to make my own castle with. Any book I could get my hands on I would have my nose in from biographies about Alexander Graham Bell to books about a mouse that wanted a cookie. I would fall asleep to the first Harry Potter book on tape because it soothed me and made me feel safe to know that those characters were always there for me.
I love the way books allow for a readers interpretation. Books belong to the readers and that’s amazing. So many things in life we have no control over but with books we can pick what we want to read. We can use the author’s descriptions as guidelines instead of rules to imagine a character and chose how they look if they have crooked teeth or big ears it’s up to the reader to decide these things and that’s a very comforting feeling in a world where many things are chosen for us. Being part of these stories makes me feels content and secure. I feel as if I am invincible and in the book I am.
In life we have a ton of stress. Stressed caused by school or work. stressed caused by friends. Stress caused by family. And stressed caused by so much more. I use reading as my escape from stress and from life. I don't want to be constantly thinking about all things I have to do I want to relax and take 20 minutes to myself and just be somewhere else where I don't have school and family and stress to worry about. So for those 20 minutes I'm in a forest with a bow or I'm running through a maze looking for Percy or I'm chasing down a train or maybe I’m holding a wand casting a spell. When in reality I'm lying in bed falling asleep with my hand saving the page for tomorrow's great adventure.
I love waiting for sleep to come while reading a book. My bed, pillows blankets and a good story to lull me to a peaceful sleep. It's warm, comfy and purely mine but an environment that I am truly content in is the once described to me in books.
To anyone watching me read (which by the way is creepy... don't do that!) I just look like a lonely nerdy girl engrossed in some book but in my mind I'm right in the story with all my favorite characters like Harry, Ron and Hermione to Cath and Levi. I'm living in these settings full of magic ,love and amazing battles and triumphs. And if you are that Creep staring at me while I'm reading (again ...Please Don't do that is weird) I probably will never know you're there because I get so far sucked into the book that my surroundings are replaced by the books surroundings and I feel like I am a part of the book like I belong there.
Ever since I was a little girl I’ve wanted to receive a letter from Hogwarts or have a purple crayon to make my own castle with. Any book I could get my hands on I would have my nose in from biographies about Alexander Graham Bell to books about a mouse that wanted a cookie. I would fall asleep to the first Harry Potter book on tape because it soothed me and made me feel safe to know that those characters were always there for me.
I love the way books allow for a readers interpretation. Books belong to the readers and that’s amazing. So many things in life we have no control over but with books we can pick what we want to read. We can use the author’s descriptions as guidelines instead of rules to imagine a character and chose how they look if they have crooked teeth or big ears it’s up to the reader to decide these things and that’s a very comforting feeling in a world where many things are chosen for us. Being part of these stories makes me feels content and secure. I feel as if I am invincible and in the book I am.
In life we have a ton of stress. Stressed caused by school or work. stressed caused by friends. Stress caused by family. And stressed caused by so much more. I use reading as my escape from stress and from life. I don't want to be constantly thinking about all things I have to do I want to relax and take 20 minutes to myself and just be somewhere else where I don't have school and family and stress to worry about. So for those 20 minutes I'm in a forest with a bow or I'm running through a maze looking for Percy or I'm chasing down a train or maybe I’m holding a wand casting a spell. When in reality I'm lying in bed falling asleep with my hand saving the page for tomorrow's great adventure.
Friday, May 15, 2015
Salty, sweet and creamy.
Salty, sweet and creamy. These are the last flavors I tasted before...
I feel lost in my own family. they are a maze of questioning eyes and concerned faces. I love my family but i'm an outsider. I'm the "basket-baby" dropped on my family's front stoop. I love music and school and reading and I want to go into the medical field all these things set me far apart from my family and make me feel like a stranger in my own house. I find myself hiding in my room when more and more to feel safe and protected from the strange looks and prying questions about my odd life goals and choices.
I loved him. I only saw him maybe once or twice a year but he was still one of my favorite people in the world. He made me feel safe he made me invincible but what grandpa doesn't make his granddaughter feel invincible. He made me feel normal.
He was a big kid. He loved to play and joke around with kids. He was a super hero in my eyes. I remember snippets of times with him like the one where he threw water bottles at a skunk to get it to go away. He loved all his kids and grandkids never once did you feel unsafe or unloved around him. I only knew him for a few short (to short) years but that doesn't change the fact that he was an amazing man who cared for everyone he knew.
Now knowing how short of a time you have with your loved ones I try and cherish every moment I have because you never know when either you or them wont be here.
Though I only see snapshots of moments and really can only remember small things about him and I probably ate something in between the before and after I love to remember this moment. I remember him happy and healthy even though my mom knew other wise I cannot see him any other way and I never want to. He will always be the man that... . Taught me the greatest combination of foods ever,
McDonald's fries dipped into a vanilla milkshake; so in the end I taste salty, sweet and creamy. These are the last favors I tasted before...
he fell into a never ending slumber.
I feel lost in my own family. they are a maze of questioning eyes and concerned faces. I love my family but i'm an outsider. I'm the "basket-baby" dropped on my family's front stoop. I love music and school and reading and I want to go into the medical field all these things set me far apart from my family and make me feel like a stranger in my own house. I find myself hiding in my room when more and more to feel safe and protected from the strange looks and prying questions about my odd life goals and choices.
I loved him. I only saw him maybe once or twice a year but he was still one of my favorite people in the world. He made me feel safe he made me invincible but what grandpa doesn't make his granddaughter feel invincible. He made me feel normal.
He was a big kid. He loved to play and joke around with kids. He was a super hero in my eyes. I remember snippets of times with him like the one where he threw water bottles at a skunk to get it to go away. He loved all his kids and grandkids never once did you feel unsafe or unloved around him. I only knew him for a few short (to short) years but that doesn't change the fact that he was an amazing man who cared for everyone he knew.
Now knowing how short of a time you have with your loved ones I try and cherish every moment I have because you never know when either you or them wont be here.
Though I only see snapshots of moments and really can only remember small things about him and I probably ate something in between the before and after I love to remember this moment. I remember him happy and healthy even though my mom knew other wise I cannot see him any other way and I never want to. He will always be the man that... . Taught me the greatest combination of foods ever,
McDonald's fries dipped into a vanilla milkshake; so in the end I taste salty, sweet and creamy. These are the last favors I tasted before...
he fell into a never ending slumber.
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